A healthy nervous system = healthy relationships. Tune into this podcast episode about how to regulate your nervous system.
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What is the role of the nervous system in healing painful relationships? My podcast, Esin Pinarli, has the answers! She is a holistic psychotherapist and relationship expert specializing in IMAGO therapy, brainspotting, Internal Family Systems (IFS), somatic practices, and psychodrama. Through an integrative experiential approach, she helps individuals and couples suffering from anxiety, depression, addiction, codependency, trauma, and relational attachment issues to navigate life’s challenges so they can become fully alive, supported, and whole.
In this episode of Last First Date Radio:
- How our nervous system influences our emotional responses in relationships
- The relationship between our attachment wounds and our nervous system
- How stress in relationships impacts our nervous systems
- Practical exercises for calming the nervous system when triggered
EP 639: Esin Pinarli – The Role of the Nervous System in Healing Painful Relationships
How does our nervous system directly influence our emotional responses in relationships, especially when it comes to conflict and tension?
Everything comes down to our nervous system. It influences how we relate and connect to other people. Neuroception is our surveillance system in our bodies. It helps us decide if it’s safe or unsafe. Understanding our nervous system is crucial in dating.
What are some common ways attachment wounds show up in our nervous systems, and how can awareness of these responses help individuals begin to heal?
The first people we attach to are our caregivers, so depending on how we attached to them, that will show up in our romantic relationships. Our core wounds get activated. If you’re anxiously attached, you’ll be hypervigilant and untrusting of your partners. People are not safe to you. We ask ourselves, are we lovable? Are we enough? Do we expect our partners to give us everything we didn’t get as children? We tend to pick partners who remind us of our unpredictable caregiver.
Many people may not realize how stress in relationships impacts their nervous system. Could you share some early signs to look out for that indicate the nervous system is in distress?
We feel things in our nervous system first. It signals disconnection. Our brain makes up a story about what happened, because we’re meaning makers. We gaslight ourselves by making excuses for someone’s bad behavior.
What are some practical tools or exercises you recommend for calming down during relationship triggers?
We need to move into the ventral state – socially engaged, calmer, grounded. How do we get back to our core self and stay more regulated to make better decisions and choices?
A good exercise to regulate your nervous system: Look at glimmers, micro moments of ventral. Ask yourself what felt good and connected today? Did I walk in nature? Did I see a beautiful flower? Did I have a connected moment with a friend? Savour the glimmers: Take the micro moments of ventral which are are everywhere once we start to look for them and are calmer, and savour them for 30 seconds. Also, humming helps you get to ventral.
How do you approach helping clients retrain their nervous systems to create more secure, healthy relationships over time?
Pause and get curious about the patterns you engage in, especially in dating. Pull back the curtain to your internal world. Your nervous system will always seek the familiar. We need to change the way we respond and who we choose to partner with. Look for consistent, communicative, interested partners.
What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?
I want everyone to go on their last first date. Work on your nervous system with a coach or therapist and befriend your nervous system so you can make healthier choices. Get out of subconscious autopilot so you can say no to what doesn’t work and make room for the right person.
Watch this episode on Youtube
Connect with Esin
- Website https://www.eternalwellnesscounseling.com/ Free Guide on Homepage: Becoming Aware of Self—An introduction to Internal Family Systems (IFS) to help you access the core of who you are and build more self-awareness for inner healing and harmony
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