Sex is all well and good, but sometimes you’ve just gotta get shit done by yourself. And that is why I am eternally thankful, friends and neighbors, that we live in a golden age of technologically advanced sex toys. And a bunch of those sex toys are weird-shaped fantasy dildos.
And a bunch of those weird-shaped dildos just so happen to be shaped like dog dicks. If that seems weird, well, welcome to the world of human sexuality. People like weird shit.
And nobody’s suggesting you go fuck Fido – just that you fuck yourself with a Dog Cock Dildo shaped like Fido’s. No harm, no foul.
”Nobody’s been this ravaged by a German Shepherd since your last mailman.”
Because there are many of our species who are inveterate degenerates and downright fuckin’ proud of it, I’m not alone in my thoughts on this.
That’s why there are a whole bunch of dog cock dildos out there just waiting for you to pick up your credit card, get buying, and start sitting on them.
And what’s my seedy little role in all of this? I hear you ask. To point you in the direction of some of the most widely loved fantasy K9 dildos that are taking the sex toy market by storm.
So, strap in, leash up, and stock up on some Pedigree Chum. It’s about to get dog-dick freaky, my darlings!
Oh, and the best part? You can get your paws on 15% off when using the code CATHERINEDUFFY when purchasing any of the dog dick dildos through the links below!
Sweat Blood: The 8-Inch Dog Knot Dildo
Alright, let’s get fuckin’ weird right out of the gate: the Sweat Blood isn’t just 8 inches of hard dog-knot dildo; it’s also got a tail. Y’know – like a real doggy dick. What more could you want?
But nobody’s here for verisimilitude (google it). They’re here to get deep-dicked by ersatz canine cocks, and that’s exactly what Sweat Blood is for.
This mighty silicone dildo is unparalleled when it comes to offering forbidden bestial pleasures to the likes of you and me, and what’s more, that dog knot ain’t just for show – it adds an extra level of pleasure to proceedings.
The tail that accompanies Sweat Blood is detachable, making it perfect for use with or without friends (who can easily keep track of where Sweat Blood has got to while it’s be-tailed). It simply doesn’t get any better than this beast of a bell-end.
Hellfire Hound Wolf Dildo
Have you ever watched Ghostbusters and thought to yourself: “I wonder what it would be like to get rawdogged by the final form of Keymaster Vince Clortho? Me too, dear reader; me too.
Thank Zuul, then, that The Dildo Hub came along and blessed the world with the inelegantly named Hellfire Hound Wolf Dildo.
This powerful doggy dick doesn’t have just one knot, but four – something that the manufacturers say is “reminiscent of a powerful Fire Hound [sic]” like that’s a real thing.
Whether or not it is, though, is actually irrelevant when you’ve got a beastly beatstick like this ready to rock.
”The design is also modeled on a real wolf cock – no word on how they got that mold”
The Hellfire Hound Wolf Dildo comes in three different sizes for your fucking pleasure. You could start off nice and gentle with the 6.75” fella, take things up a notch with the 7.5” option, or really stretch your holes out with the monstrous 10.1” option.
Whatever you plump for, you’re in for a diabolical time with the Hellfire.
Luna 8-Inch Squirting Dog Cock Dildo
Perhaps you and the Hell Hound dildo have taken your relationship as far as it can go. It’s all very well having four knots, but even that gets boring after a while, and you need something more. But how much more can you possibly get out of the humble dog dick dildo?
That, my friends, is where Luna the 8-inch Squirting Dog Cock Dildo comes in.
Luna looks pretty similar to the other dog dildos on this list, with a powerful shaft and a thickly knotted base. It’s also got a suction cup for when you want to jam it onto a surface and take care of business hands-free. But it’s the fake-cum reservoir that’s Luna’s real selling point.
Whether you’d like to fill it up with simple water or take things to the next level with the maker’s patented creamy fake cum substitute, Luna is perfect for unleashing a fauxgasm straight up your baby-maker (or tradesmen’s entrance, if that’s your preference).
For taking things to the next level – albeit a messier one – then accept no substitutes. Luna is your only option.
Fangorn Knotted Wolf Dildo
For when you’ve absolutely, positively gotta obliterate every Gooning orifice you’ve got, accept no substitutes – the Fangorn Knotted Wolf Dildo is the only choice.
This beastly lupine labium-lover is not to be trifled with and should only be tackled by those who are serious about having their beef curtains pushed in by giant dog dildos.
Even the ‘small’ size of this dog cock dildo clocks in at 8.5”, while the medium is 10.23” and the large is a staggering (and potentially cervix-busting) 13.18”.
The design is also modeled on a real wolf cock – no word on how they got that mold – and is consequently pretty unique among dog dildo designs.
Simply put, the Fangorn is one of a kind — and something that every lover of bestial dildos should give a go at least once.
The 9-inch German Shepherd is One of the Most Realistic Dog Dildos Around
We’re not even playing around anymore with coquettish dildos that kinda sorta resemble doggy dicks – we’re going straight down the rabbit hole and embracing dildos modeled on actual dog lengths. That’s right – welcome to the accurately-sculpted German Shepherd 9-Inch dildo.
No word on whether or not a German Shepherd actually has a 9-inch dick (and going off my aunt’s, I don’t think so?), but that doesn’t matter when you’re going to work with this canine cunny-crusher.
It’s knotted in all the right places and has a texture designed to take you to the very limits of pleasure before pulling you up into one of the most earth-shattering orgasms you’ve ever had.
“you try getting an Alsatian to testify”
Add to the mix realistically modeled doggy glands and a smooth testicular bulb, and you’ve got a party going on in your pants or panties.
Nobody’s been this ravaged by a German Shepherd since your last mailman!
Fat Dog Penis Dildo
Nobody’s pretending that the manufacturers of dog dildos are anything approaching subtle, and that’s just as well give the no-nonsense name of this next beast: the aptly-titled Fat Dog Dildo.
This 11.61-inch monster is made, apparently, of ‘platinum-cured medical silicone’, which I’m assured is even better than regular old dildo silicone.
This makes it ideal for naughty shower-time shenanigans, which certainly place it above an actual fat dog cock, which I can only assume might have trouble mounting up in a shower cubicle.
The Fat Dog makes these kinds of misadventures even easier with a powerful suction cup. Affix this bad boy to just about any surface and wreck your innards with the biggest, fattest dog dildo ever committed to silicone.
Astro 9-Inch K9 Dildo
Are you perhaps of getting reamed by earthbound canines? Do you, perchance, need a bit of extra-terrestrial in your X-rated adventures?
Then look no further than the Astro 9-inch Dildo, the answer to the question, “What would it be like to get banged by the dog from The Jetsons?”
The Astro sports the now-familiar dog-knot design that’s fantastic for hitting your gape-hungry hole in just the right way.
It’s complemented by an out-of-this-world color design and finished in medical-grade hypoallergenic silicone – you may want an alien experience, but that doesn’t mean you need an alien infection.
The Astro is only available in a single size, but that size is 9.1” – more than big enough to satisfy the most ardent of dog cock dildo cravers. It’s also available in two colors – dark burgundy and starry purple.
The Direwolf is a GoT-Style Canine Dildo
Perhaps you’ve hit the absolute zenith of your desire for toy doggy dicks. Nothing’s cutting it anymore – not the Hellhound, not the Luna Squirting Dildo, and not even the Fat Dog. What’s a Gooner or Goonette to do when absolutely nothing is scratching that itch anymore?
How about the Direwolf?
Let’s face it – we’ve all watched Game of Thrones and wondered what it would be like to let one of the Starks’ big, shaggy Direwolves mount us. What? Why are you looking at me like that? I bet you’re allied to House Lannister, aren’t you?
Thankfully, with the Direwolf, we need wonder no more. This girthy monster is available in five separate sizes: 6, 8, 10, 12, and 15 inches.
Unless you’re a big fan of Mr Hankey’s toys like this one, I can’t imagine anyone opting for the biggest one there without puncturing their diaphragm, but each to their own.
The makers of the Direwolf promise that they have captured the “mystique” of werewolf dildos, the “cunning charm” of fox dildos, and the “raw intensity” of dog dildos.
Basically, this means that it has a shitload of knots, and you can never have enough dildo knots. That’s the whole appeal of dog dildos in the first place, right?
Now You’ve Met Some of the Wildest Dog Dildo Toys Around, Sit!
And there we have it – an almost comprehensive list of some of the most-loved dog-themed dildos available.
Whether you’re interested in as many knots as humanly (doggedly?) possible, a massive length of silicone based upon the cock of the mighty wolf, a shower-friendly girthy pooch penis with a powerful suction cup, or a delivery mechanism for a shitload of fake cum to be ejaculated up into your birth canal, you can guarantee that there’s something above to tickle your fancy.
Did we miss something off the list? No problem – feel free to comment below and let me know which toy you’d like to see added, and I’ll be more than happy to go fuck myself with it.
And, of course, let me underline that this naughty little guide to dog cock dildo toys is merely for fantasy purposes. Now, have fun, and may these fantasy K9 dildo toys ensure that your holes are gaped wider than they ever have been before!
Don’t forget to use the discount code CATHERINEDUFFY when buying through the above links to get 15% off your kinky order on DildoHub!
