INTRODUCTION
Some of you may remember the “Chronicle of a Bet Foretold” PB series in 2019. It was meant to be a cumulative series but real-life intruded and it fizzled out. It covers my real-life betting and seeing as I have now placed bets on UKGE2024 you’ll forgive me if I resurrect it for the latest instalment. It is not, unfortunately, a happy tale.
BETTING SHOPS
Most people on PB bet online. They set up accounts and select from a wide variety of bets. It’s very convenient and arguably this arrangement forms PB’s backbone. But I, being an awkward bastitch who refuses to bet online, refuses to do this. I prefer to rock up to the real-life high-street shop, have a brief chat with the persons behind the desk, then place my cash on the counter like a grown-up adult in a free country and purchase the risk in hope of reward.
Or at least that’s the theory
SUNDAY 30 JUNE 2024
A town close to where I live has two shops: let’s call them Shop One and Shop Two because those aren’t their names. I get the taxi into town, go to the cashpoint and withdraw around £250 to bet with. I have planned my bets out beforehand, printed the screenshots and can point to the exact place. What could possibly go wrong?
SHOP TWO
Shop One is temporarily closed due to a nutter waiting outside, so I go to Shop Two. But they don’t have the bets. I point to my screenshots – “See! See!” – but to no avail: they are just not there. We manage to dredge up “Number of Green Seats” and “Bristol Central” and I bet £70 on two or more at 4/11 and £70 on Greens for Bristol Central, but none of the others I want are available. So, I say “thank you very much”, tip my hat to them and stride out and head back to Shop One
SHOP ONE
Here the wheels really come off. I explain what I need, but he can’t find it. I show my printouts: no help. I fill out the slips and he telephones the helpline: no joy. The ones I want – Conservatives second place, LD over [redacted] seats, Waveney Valley for the Greens – just aren’t available in the shop. They are only online.
There is a point in any project when people decide to give up, and my task is to get Desk Bloke past this. The Navy Seals have a phrase for this: the 40% rule. It’s the idea that when you think you are done you still have 60% less. But I look at him, and…there’s nothing. I ask him to try again, and he does, but the best he can get from the phone is overall majorities for Lab/Lib/Con. It’s not what I want. I walk out of the shop unbetted, my head down…
FLASHBACK: 2016/7
…I’m in a Ladbrokes placing a bet on Trump against Clinton. The shop is brightly lit, the desk is cheerful: there’s a friendly rivalry between Red Ladbrokes and Blue Coral: Laddies want to make betting great again. They have red hats on…
…I’m in a Betfred betting on Macron and against Marine LePen: the manager is a fan of hers and we have a quick chat…
…I’m in a Ladbrokes picking up my winnings from Brexit. They have to close the shop and send me to another one down the road, as they can’t cover the returns…
It used to be fun.
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